my first letter to the great spirit
Hello. My name has gone through many changes. I was cesar, then caesar,
then teolol, at one point maiz, and pueblo, and now I'm just me.
I'm supposed to be talking to you, but I don't know how. I mean it's not
like you can verbally reply or can you? I have tried to pray but I don't
know if I am doing it right. I get bored right away. Maybe it is because
I am afraid of being alone. Why is that? Or, why do you think that is?
I just saw "at first sight," (the movie) and it made me think. Could I
have been blind all this time? Or what does it mean 'to see?'
I've never really listened to a saxophone for that long. It is indeed a
beautiful instrument. It does things to me that I do not know how to
explain. It's both relaxing and titillating.
Are you mad at me? I feel like you are. I feel like I've disappointed you
so many times, that I hate to have to talk to you or look at you in the
eyes. But, is that a psychological thing cuz' you have no eyes? Or are
your eyes attached to other peoples' faces?
Maybe they are, because I'm afraid to see other people too. I didn't
realize the power of sin. I mean, the times I have sinned have remained
imbedded in my consciousness and in my heart and I carry them like
weights that continue to hold me down. They've made me lazy. Or better
yet, I've made myself lazy.
Hold on, I have to pee.
I'm back and as I re-read everything I wrote I realized that it sounds
like it's the writing of a child. I guess I never really looked at myself
as a child. Or I never really noticed that I had a father? My biological
one left when I was two. But I guess you know that.
Do you cry for us? Don't you get tired of it all? I mean the worrying and
the constant headaches.
It's about 11:20p.m. in California, is that what you call it? The time
and the location? Does it matter?
I don't come to you hungry and tired like DMX, but lazy and afraid. I do
not know what to do with my future. Do you have a plan for me? If so,
dish it out holmes.'
Does that offend you? Can you read through my typos' and boo-boos'?
I'm 25 and I feel hopeless sometimes. I feel like this world would be
better off without me. Is that self-pity? Or do I just have too much time
on my hands? What does that mean anyway, "too much time on our hands?"
Why do so many people claim to know you? Do they? Which religion is the
one with the hook-up? Is there a religion like that Jesus Christ fellow:
unassuming, shy, and humble. Or should I be approaching the ones' that
gloat with gigantic temples of Babel?
Are those your actual words in the Bible? Who was King James? Why are
Buddha, Allah and Jah'weh followers not cool with each other? Is that an
What do you want from us? Who do I repent to? As you know, I was raised
Catholic, but I'm not into confessing inside the little room to any
priest. Is that ok? I've tried confessing to you, but don't you already
know what I've done wrong? And if you do, do you just want to hear it to
see if I am sorry?
I feel like I am going deaf from one ear. Is that a sign?
Why is Bobby Chichester's mom gone? He's only a sixth grader and he's not
handling it well. I told him that it was "her time to go," but I felt
that they were empty words on my part because how do I really know that?!
Do you feel me?
I don't know why I am asking you so many questions. That's a question too
Were you ticked when I was an atheist? Are you ticked now that I'm still
confused about you? Cuz' I am. And I don't know where to turn. I don't
want to be reeled in by man, but I want to swim with you.
It feels cheesy asking you for a sign, so I won't. But I won't complain
if one happens to come up. Is this one? Just the fact that I'm writing a
letter to you, whomever you are, at 11:32p.m. and not watching TV.
Do you like 7th heaven? (The show that is.)
I just went through spell check and corrected some of the mistakes. Could
you do that with me? Just go through and help me see all of my mistakes?
In the meantime, I hope I haven't taken too much of your time, and I
await your reply. Oh by the way, I'm just kidding about the 'cleaning me up' part. I guess
I am currently trying to do that on my own. But I could use a hand.
One last thing, take care, and don't watch the news cuz' they'll just
make you poo-pee.
Oh, and one more favor, could you please unite socialists, communists,
christians, muslims, atheists, anarchists, jews and gentiles, democrats,
non-ists, rastafarians, and all others together? Well, I thought I'd ask?
I feel like you're saying: "No seas pendejo, that's your job!" But you
probably wouldn't say it like that.
Tu hijo (that seems weird) So, do I call you 'pa?
cesar alonso cruz teolol gomez villafana maiz pueblo y aire contagioso,
june 10, 1999
"Everyone thinks of changing the world,
noone thinks of changing himself." -Tolstoy
Written by: Cesar A. Cruz